Letter to "Big Red" my LG phone

Dear Big Red,

You've got some 'splaining to do. I thought we had a deal. I pay you a frillion dollars a month and you do the following:

• Ring when people call me
• Keep the call connected until I (or the person I am talking to) ends the call
• Alert me promptly when I receive a message, whether it be voice or text
• Hold a charge for a reasonable amount of time

Now, I'd like to discuss all of these items with you. You see, I haven't been hearing you ring when people call me. Yes, sometimes I put you on silent or vibrate mode and I completely understand when you don't ring during those times. In fact, I appreciate it as I am usually in a meeting, at work, or otherwise can't be disturbed. (Side note: I'd include watching a movie at the theatre here but apparently turning off your cell phone isn't required at the movies anymore. Ugh.) But I'm talking about the times you let me down. Yes, you've let me down. I really need you to ring when people call me. Seriously, ringing when people call is kind of big deal to me. I've heard mention of "service areas" and "dead pockets" but I frankly don't really care about your trials and tribulations. I just need you to ring when my peeps call, OK?

Next, I'd like to discuss your inability to keep the call connected once I've actually heard it ring. Why, oh why do you randomly hang up on people? It's beyond annoying. And why do you choose to abruptly end the call right in the middle of the best part!? I think you must have a radar for the juicy details (which is unfortunate as you could be using this energy to pick up signals in aforementioned dead spots). The worst part is once a call is dropped, then I spend the next 10 minutes calling the person back and getting their voicemail and having them do the same until one of us finally texts the other to say. "CALL ME BACK!"

This leads me to my third complaint of the day. For the love of Pete, I need my dang text messages and voice mails. Yes, I understand you like to deliver them hours, even days late. However, this is just not acceptable. It's not even close enough for government work. Trust me, I should know.

Lastly, I'm going to replace you soon. You've already "burned out" two batteries and are working on your third. I really think this is a bit excessive. None of my other technological gadgets burn through their juice as quickly as you do. I'm starting to think you are an addict and I may just have to dump you off and let you have some "me time" with the other POS phones. I'm not sure why, but I have an expectation that your battery should last more that 2.5 minutes and that I shouldn't have to be tethered to a car charger or plug in the wall while I talk to my friends about celebrity gossip. It's called a wireless phone, after all.

In conclusion, I've decided that I hate you. You don't deliver what you promise and you never even apologize. So, I have decided that I am dumping you for a younger, hotter version of yourself. I need some new ear candy and you are just too old and creaky to do it for me anymore. We've had some good times, babe. Remember the time my sister texted me all the perverted texts in one day. Gosh, that was great. But that was our history and well I need to make a future -- with someone else.

See ya!

Rachel